Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
