im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
