Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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