At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
