My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
