I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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