Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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