the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
