if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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