i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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