that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
