im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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