The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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