i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
