Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize