I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just tell him i said nine months
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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