WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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