I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
