like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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