i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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