I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
