First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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