No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
