I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize