Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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