I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
