Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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