I'm sorry my penis didn't work
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
