I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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