i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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