I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
