he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You made out with two different species that night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
