I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
