either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
