yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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