honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
