what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
