one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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