i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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