She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
did you just send me my own nude
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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