My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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