We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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