Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
