there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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