peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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