i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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