I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
