i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
