I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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