May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
