Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
