the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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