Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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