everyone is single if you try hard enough
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
