drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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