I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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