toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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