we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
