so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
