At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
